Marriage is not a continuum of smooth transitions or delicate emotions. Anyone who's been married for any length of time (24hours or more) can contest to this. Marriage is not to be confused with your personal "happily ever after" ( although at times one can be at their happiest ever ). As I look over 20 years of marriage in the eyes, I wonder can I really invest 20 more years into a relationship that seems to need a full blown demolition blast? I'm talking scrap the old floor plans, rebuild the foundation and start all over again.

While my marriage has hope, a deep rooted loyalty, and children to bind, I feel that it has lacked the most fundamental foundation of all, the nuturing seed of trust and communication.

For me at least this part of the marriage puzzle is my fault. I have never given my whole heart over to my husband, my whole self has never been revealed, yes snippets and glimps have been observed in lazy off guarded moments of anger, love making and during indulgences of various forbidden fruits in the infancy of our relationship.

Now in the midst of a possible divorce, I turn to the comfort of the tapping of the keyboard, the glow in the night of my computer and through written word I hope to rediscover the ability to look deep in my heart and find the strength of a weak but wise voice, and maybe finally open up raw and real to my husband with out the defense of my own sharp, steele tongue of anger or worry of his judgement and dissappointment in the girl that became a very human and extraodinary woman while balancing personal growth, child rearing and marriage all while on top of the highest of pedestals that my husband lovingly placed me.