It seems these days that my muse, that my inspiration, that my will to write has all but left. My love of words, music, poetry and the divine human language is there. However my articulation and concentration has faulted, tilted and shifter to a darker less optimistic world .
Instead of looking outward into the world, the last few months I've been nowhere but inward. A shadow of depression and loss has settled over me like a thundercloud with out a voice, without even the clap of thunder, just an ugly swollen, dark cloud. I do get glimpses of sunshine and warmth, on these days I pray with all my might "please God don't let this sunbeam of hope go away", but of late the sunbeam seems to fade quicker and the return takes longer and longer.
Its a strange phenomenon for me. This ability that I have to watch as my mental instability unravels before my eyes. I watch as if a witness to a movie, the monster of depression wrapping itself around me tighter and tighter like a boa constrictor.
I tread this new world, this new realm of my mind with caution as it is a dangerous walk....One that I fear I will not survive.
I have found of late that I'm seeking help in areas outside my comfort zone. Self medicating so to speak, no not with illicit drugs but with people, new friends and old. Not as if I'm searching for anything in particular just an insane persons mentality of staying alive by simply being near anyone that may actually look me in the eyes and see me...Each spark of acknowledgement keeps me alive one more day. I'm here, I'm real, I'm noticed if only for a moment.
Tonight I sit in front of my computer screen wondering why I dare to write and open this up on a public forum. Is it just another way for me to scream for help with out me cutting my wrists or downing some pills? Indeed, of course it is...but most importantly I'm writing because I'm still alive. I'm still waking up in the morning and getting out of bed, and making it through my day, God only knows how the hell I am doing it..but I am. Every day is started with a deep breath and most days end in tears. But I need someone else out there that is walking or even teetering on the brink of major depression or insanity to know that they are not alone. A woman, a wife, a lover, a mother, a child, a sister and a daughter is walking along with you. Offering you whispers of encouragement that we CAN do this. We CAN get up and survive another day. Because we must? Even dark days must end. Because we will leave behind a lot of pissed off and disappointed people? At least that is what I'm told.
Because our faith is strong and our will to live is stronger and THAT is what I know!
I was recently told by a new friend that I had "a gift of endless possibility with words coupled with my children, it is all thats needed to get through any difficulties".... Those words saved my life today. WORDS..
I think that is why I'm writing tonight. I'm using WORDS to save a life, possibly my own, but hopefully yours. Reach out..some how, some way. It may not be easy, it may not even be ethical, but seek a positive cure...look out from within our own darkness and we shall see light, if only for a moment.
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